so I switched from apache2 to lighttpd (v1.4.35) ubuntu 16.04 64bit and at this point nextcloud works, and works faster, then with apache2. So the speed difference is from 60seconds to load the login page, to a few seconds with lighttpd.
in my case the system I run it on is a old laptop from 2007, 2GB ram MAX
anyway I was hoping someone could tell me how to write a lighttpd config to get the collabora reverse proxy working thanks.